


i can't lose you, too

by stjimmys



Series: sp7 [7]
Category: Sugar Pine 7 RPF, The Woods (Sugar Pine 7)
Genre: Dissociation, M/M, Medication, Nightmares, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-27
Updated: 2018-06-27
Packaged: 2019-05-29 07:42:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15068417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stjimmys/pseuds/stjimmys
Summary: there's a bright yellow sweatshirt on the bed across from me and i see blood bubbling at one of my best friends' lips.





	i can't lose you, too

**Author's Note:**

  * For [my pal lucas](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=my+pal+lucas).



> so yknow how the woods ends with them all driving away in devins truck? well they went thru a Lot so its safe to assume what happened at the cabin would stick with them forever. yep im not sorry

it's dark, it's terrifying, everything is covered in blood and it's slippery and disgusting and i can smell it everywhere. it's all over my clothes, it's all over my hands and my face. everyone else is yelling around me.

there's a bright yellow sweatshirt on the bed across from me and i see blood bubbling at one of my best friends' lips. 

"cib!" i dive, rush over to his side as fast as i can but i'm not running, i'm not moving. i'm completely still, and there's nothing i can do. "cib, oh shit!" i'm yelling, i'm reaching for him now. he doesn't get any closer. 

there's a heat against the back of my neck and i turn, i turn so slowly that it feels like it takes years. but then i'm staring towards my left, and i'm watching as james is being grabbed onto by whatever that thing was, the monster from the woods. i'm screaming again, calling for help, unable to move from where i am. cib has stopped moving. james is already outside on the porch.

"steven!" he's yelling for me now, and i know there's tears running down my face. i can feel them, running hot and heavy and i shake where i'm stuck. i keep trying, i keep reaching for either of them but to no avail.

and then it's silent. it's quiet and all i can hear is my breathing, which is heavy and hard as my entire fucking body shakes. everyone is gone. except for me.

 

my eyes are open now, i'm on my side in my own bed at my own apartment, completely still besides my breathing. is that my breathing? i can't even tell right now. am i still in that nightmare? was it a nightmare or was it real?

was anything really real, anymore? i sighed and lifted a hand and pushed it to my face, feeling a numbness settle in. of course, this was happening again. it's been happening ever since. carefully i sit up, continuously rubbing my face as i got to my feet. nothing feels real right now. everything is fake, nothing is real, and i'm slowly making my way towards the bedroom door. the carpet beneath my feet feels like a cloud, but colder. 

i shake my head and then stand against the door frame, eyes unfocused on anything in particular. a thought to question why my vision is so blurry appears, but i shake it off. it's not because of my glasses, but i'm not about to be honest about the tears running down my face. i'm not about to text mimi, call her or even try to get a hold of her for this.

just like how i wasn't going to wake up who was sleeping in the bed next to me. instead i was going straight towards the bathroom down the hall, let the door close behind me as i slid onto the floor with my back against the wood. 

my shoulders aren't shaking. my face isn't damp. i'm absolutely not making any noise. pushing the heels of my palms against my eyes, i rub and rub and rub until most of the tears are calming down. this felt like a nightly routine nowadays, coming into the bathroom at 2am to realize how fragile all of this really is. 

carefully i get to my feet, grasping the counter and pulling myself up until i can look in the mirror. my plain white tee hangs loosely against my shoulders and i sigh, blinking a few times. being awake this early makes everything feel unreal, i know that after countless nights of doing this. my grasp on the counter hasn't let up. i don't plan on letting both go anytime soon, but i do lift a hand up towards the bathroom mirror and pull towards myself to open the door.

lining the shelves are multiple products: small bottles of shampoo, a few different colognes, two different shavers with extra blades, toothbrushes, soap, and finally, a few different bottles of pills. i reach and grasp them all, put them on the counter and then shut the mirror so i can see myself again. they tip over as i put my hand back down on the counter, two of them tumbling down into the sink.

i reach for one of the bottles and lift it up, bringing it as close as i can to my face to read. i know that this bottle has my friends' anti-depressants, and for a moment i wonder why they're at my apartment in my bathroom behind the mirror. when did this all happen? why was he in my bed again?

then it hits me again. i bring my hands away from my face and look down at them, and for a split second i see them both coated in blood. i yell, much too loud for someone awake at 2am and i throw the bottle at the mirror, stepping backwards until i hit the wall and i slide down onto the floor. my shoulders are totally not shaking again, and those tears aren't coming down my face. absolutely not.

thankfully, those child-proof caps work just as well for someone who's dissociating at 2am and not just for kids, as i scramble to the counter on my knees and grasp a different bottle, trying to rip the cap off to no avail. i can't remember which pill this bottle contains, but anything would do at this point. the blood on my hands feel like the last straw. sure, there was clearly a much faster way to get rid of all of these images in my head right now, the razor blades would make this much quicker, but i wasn't exactly keen on seeing more blood right now.

 

i jolt immediately at the sound of stevens' yell. i've already heard him yell countless times before, even before all of this. but right now, as i scrunch my face up and roll over, seeing stevens' spot on the bed beside me completely empty starts the initial worry in the pit of my stomach. i push myself off the bed and stand, rubbing my face and reach for my glasses before walking around the bed and towards the door with one hand outstretched as to not slam into anything. that wouldn't make this any better. 

when i reach the bathroom door its shut, but i can hear steven on the other side struggling with something. it takes me a moment to realize exactly what's happening before my eyes widen, and i start jiggling the handle. "steven," i speak, carefully and calmly as i can. "steve, let me in, okay? it's me, it's james," i carefully turn the knob, and realize it isn't locked. thank god. "are you behind the door, man?"

as i carefully move the door inward, i look in until i see steve's feet at my own. he's holding one of this orange pill bottles and i slip into the bathroom fully before crouching down in front of him. he hasn't said anything, hasn't even looked me in the face once. i reach out and put my hand on top of one of his, hand finding the bottle and pulling it gently from his grasp before putting it behind me on the counter and turning back to him. his shoulders are bobbing up and down every once in a while, which i has become very common around this time of the night. i don't move to stop his shaking, i know it's one of those things you need to do to get it all out. "did you take anything?" i whisper, but from what i could tell none of the bottles had actually gotten open. steven ends up not responding and i take that as a no anyway.

my hands find his and i hold them for a while. we both sit, facing each other at 2am on the bathroom floor for a while before he finally swallows after a very long cry, and shudders before lifting his head to look at me. his eyes are brimmed the brightest red i've ever seen on him, even worse than the time that he, cib and i smoked weed off his porch one night long ago. 

but cib isn't here now. it's only the two of us. 

i squeeze his hands and try giving him a small smile, scooting over to him until i sit beside him against the wall. i keep one hand in his and we stay like that for a while as well. his head finds my shoulder and i let him rest for a moment. his breathing sounds labored, but it's from all the crying he's done. 

"can we not talk about it right now," steven murmurs, pushing his forehead against my shoulder before i can look him in the face. "i really don't feel like crying any more tonight." 

i nod and lift my free hand up, carefully carding my fingers through stevens' shorter hair. "yeah, that's fine," i swallow and lean my head back against the wall. we've been sitting on the bathroom for what feels like hours. or maybe minutes. time is hard to comprehend. "can i say something, though?" i sit up a bit and look down at steven, and he carefully lifts his head up and sniffles. when he nods, i turn so i can put both hands at the sides of his face. i swipe my thumbs against his cheeks, still damp as they were when i first came in. "i can't lose you too," i bite my lip just as i feel that familiar pressure behind my eyes, and i blink a couple times before continuing. "i can't. not in a million years, steve, okay? never."

steven squeezes his eyes shut before nodding, sniffling again before turning his body so he can reach over and pull me in for a hug that feels like he's been waiting for. my hands find his hips and i squeeze, and one of my hands rubs small circles along his back. "i've got you, steve, i promise," i let out a shaky sigh as i feel steven cry into my shoulder. "i-i-i've got you, i swear."

after a long moment of silence that was only broken with a small sob, we get to our feet and as steve rubs his face, i out the bottles back on the shelves and close the mirror door. we walk out and back into the bedroom and crawl in, stevens' back to my chest. without a second thought i throw my arm around his waist, and he pushes himself back until he's flush with my chest. i close my eyes and press my lips against the back of steve's head, sighing as i hear his breathing steady until i know he's fast asleep. and after a moment, so am i.


End file.
